Doing things despite my anxiety and panic disorder

Jul 9

Jul 9 Doing things despite my anxiety and panic disorder

Mental health, Panic disorder, Self care, Anxiety

Today was one of those days that I felt the pull of my anxiety and panic disorder trying to take control of how I would navigate my day. In other words I felt so anxious and afraid of every silly thing that I felt better just staying at home. At least when I’m at home I’m in control of what can happen, I know bad things can happen at home, but when I’m in the fog of my anxiety and panic, being logical is the last thing I’m thinking about at the time.

For so long I lived my life in this way, constantly avoiding life because I was too anxious or afraid. Leaving my house for work was about the only thing I was capable of and even then I usually would have a panic attack while I was at work. I lived my life in a small bubble and I was miserable. I wanted to go out and be social but I was constantly waiting for a time when I felt better to go out and do things. The things is I never felt better so I continued to stay home and feel miserable.

Today when I woke up and I felt those old familiar feelings of panic and anxious energy in my body my first instinct was to stay at home all day. But instead of letting myself get caught up in my triggers and letting them control how I was going to go about my day I let myself really lean in and feels those uncomfortable feelings. And then I took Beatrice on a walk and tried to really enjoy the moment with her. I made sure I was present with her and I tried to feel the same joy she had for just being outside on a nice summer morning.

Taking a walk with Beatrice always clears my head and gives me the time to think about why I was having those feelings and what was the actual trigger for my anxiety and fear? And I realized that it all was coming from my constant feeling of not being good enough and that when anything good is happening in my life than something bad must be around the corner. I have always lived life through this lens of waiting for the other shoe to drop and it is exhausting.

But today after realizing these hard truths about myself I also wanted to push against these thoughts I have always had and replace them with the thoughts that “ I am good enough” and “ I deserve good things to happen to me”. I am taking slow steps in trying to not let my anxiety and panic disorder control my life and today I felt proud that despite being afraid and anxious I still did things. I didn’t let them win today.